Sue Writing For Dummies
by LunaPadma
Summary: The one and only guide to help YOU create your own personal Sue! This invaluable document will coach you through the steps of Sue writing! *no disrespect intended with this title
1. Love and Character

**I was eating breakfast, and suddenly had an idea. Everyone always writes these stories about 'How to recognize and avoid Sues', 'Repairing your Sues', etc., etc. So why not write a story on how to write a Sue. TA-DA! Sue Writing for Dummies was born!**

***I own nothing, and no disrespect is intended with this story. Just because I am calling things Sueish doesn't mean that it can't be written well. And, to reiterate, I do not own the [insert name here] For Dummies books.**

**Sue Writing for Dummies**

Hello. If you have not, I direct your attention to the bold words above.

Welcome to Sue Writing for Dummies!

Now, when writing Sue stories, whether they be parodies or not, there are certain steps that need to be followed.

First, before you can even start putting finger to keyboard, you must develop the characters. Now, this step is the most important, because what is a Sue story (henceforth referred to as SS) without a Sue?

STEP 1: LOVE

The first step is to pick the character that your Sue will end up with.

Some popular choices are:

Edward Cullen-

A popular choice, as Twilight is huge right now.

Harry Potter-

Truly a great book, and if you haven't, go read it right now.

Draco Malfoy-

Who doesn't love the bad guy?

Artemis Fowl-

We love the hot genius dude!

STEP 2: CHARACTER

Don't focus on developing your Sue, this section is to pick a name and looks. DO NOT SKIP THIS VITAL SECTION!

Name:

A vital part of Sues is a name that is very different and farfetched. A name meaning website can help. Some examples can be found below:

Edward Cullen-

Edward Sues need vaguely unpopular names that are abnormally long.

For this Sue, we will name our Sue: _Adrianna Victoria Patricia Michellia de Bristollion_

Harry Potter-

There are many Sues in this category, but we will focus on the 'Voldy's Daughter Sue'. These Sues should have names that sound vaguely (very) evil, pureblood and dangerous.

We will name our Sue: _Maleficentia Desdemona Cruella de Vil Riddle_.

Draco Malfoy-

We will focus on 'The Harry Sister Sue' variety for this character. These names should simply be long and complex that nobody will ever forget. Normal names should be strung together to make one really long complex name.

Our Sue will be called: _Cynthia Ellen Isabel Gabriela Giovanna Brianna Adele Chantal Lorelei Jaqueline Vanessa May Evelyn Potter._

Artemis Fowl-

This Sue should be named after something to do with Greek and Roman gods.

This Sue will be called:_ Venus Aphrodite van Zeusenheimer._

The Rest:

An important section in which we decide how each Sue will look and act. We will also decide our Sue's past. Don't forget to forgo all genetic possibilities!

Adrianna Victoria Patricia Michellia de Bristollion-

We'll make her have cascading chocolate-colored locks, with gleaming sapphire eyes like pools of violets. She will be tall and pale, but really athletic. She will have great hair, and be able to control the elements. Edward will not be able to read her mind. She will be great at sports.

Her past is mysterious, and she is escaping a rabid ex-boyfriend who is a vamp.

Malificentia Desdemona Cruella de Vil Riddle-

She has dark, raven-colored tresses cascading down her back. She is slim, pale, and tall. Her eyes will be green, and she will be able to talk to snakes. She has been raised by the Malfoys and is betrothed to Draco Malfoy. She will also have wicked cool powers that are, as of yet, undiscovered.

Cynthia Ellen Isabel Gabriela Giovanna Brianna Adele Chantal Lorelei Jaqueline Vanessa May Evelyn Potter-

Cyndi (as she is known to friends), has raven tresses with natural honey-blonde streaks. Her eyes are the color of Harry Potter's. She is the real Chosen One. She can fly, talk to snakes, and is a metamorphmagus. She is slim, tall, and pale, her lovely alabaster brow slightly marred with a lightning-bolt scar. She is a better Seeker than Harry. She is a Gryffindor.

Cyndi is rich and lives with the Malfoys, who don't know that she's a Potter. She is madly in love with Draco, who (apparently) doesn't know that she exists. Even though they live in the same house.

Venus Aphrodite van Zeusenheimer-

Venus is a tall American with flowing auburn locks and pale, unmarred skin. She is a genius and is beyond belts in every form of martial arts. She is filthy stinking rich and has been in contact with the fairies since she was born.

She is part elf and can use magic. She has an unlimited supply of it and never has to complete the ceremony. She is more powerful than Number 1.


	2. Example: BAD SS

**The Sues Take Over Hogwarts**

By Luna

_One day, during fifth year, two exchange students came to Hogwarts._

"_I'm Mary Sue." said the girl._

"_I'm Gary Stu." said the boy._

"_We're twins!" they said together._

_While they were introducing themselves, they had cast the Sue Spell, which makes everyone fall in love with them._

_Everyone, that is, except Hermione, who was in love with Ron, Ginny, who was in love with Harry, Luna, whose brain was eaten by the Nargles, Neville, because he kept on falling over a lot, Dumbledore, because he's old and Sue Spells can't work on people with white hair, Snape, because he has no heart, Umbridge, because she has no soul, Hedwig, because she lost three galleons to a Sue once, and hated them, George, because he's sexy, Crabbe and Goyle, because my pet rock has more of an I.Q. than them, and Dobby, because he's cool._

_So the second they found out about the Sue invasion, Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Neville, Dumbledore, Snape, Umbridge, Hedwig, George, Crabbe, Goyle, and Dobby met up in Dumbledore's office._

_Since they knew that they were immune to Sues, they knew that Gary and Mary were Sues (or Stus), and they knew how to put Dumbledore's office on lockdown. _

_The password was the lockdown Sue-barrier. It was 'I am not perfect. I have faults.'_

_The last Sue who said that got electrocuted, burned, struck by lightning, bitten by a radioactive spider, forced to swallow a lot of kryptonite, hung, had their hair chopped off, were hung by their earlobes over a pit of boiling oil, and devoured by sharks with diarrhea._

_Anyway, Hermione paced in front of Dumbledore's desk, trying to think, and also wearing out his Oriental carpet, the one that was impervious to magic. _

_Dumbledore was whimpering as the hole in his carpet got progressively bigger._

_Crabbe and Goyle were kicked out because of sheer stupidity._

_George sat there, looking sexy._

_Luna was chasing Nargles out of the office._

_Umbridge was testing her soullessness on a Dementor in the Dementor cage in the back of Dumbledore's office._

_Ginny was drooling over the autographed picture of Harry that Colin snagged for her._

_Hedwig and Snape were playing poker._

_Neville was falling down._

_Dobby was buying cool socks on eBay._

"_I have an Idea!" Hermione stopped pacing, and pointed at the ceiling._

_Dumbledore cried, because when Hermione stopped, she left skid marks on the carpet._

_Crabbe and Goyle poked their heads in to hear this Idea._

_George leaned forward, looking sexy._

_Luna paused while chasing Nargles out of the office and sat on the stuffed Crumple-Horned Snorkack that was living in Dumbledore's office and was named Bob._

_Umbridge came out of the Dementor cage, still soulless, and ate a piece of chocolate pie._

_Ginny put away the picture of Harry._

_Hedwig won all of Snape's money._

_Snape pounded his fists against the card table._

_Neville was so shocked, he stayed upright._

_Dobby was so shocked that he lost the bidding war with I_HEART_SOX over a pair of mismatched solid gold argyle socks._

_Hermione explained her idea, which involved a beat-up old leather jacket, a football helmet, a Superman cape, a lady in a bathrobe, Wikipedia, a telephone, a pen, three rubber ducks, Fang, Fluffy, a boom box, Bob the Crumple-horned Snorkack, a flying carpet, and Dumbledore's Oriental carpet._

_Fortunately, Dumbledore happened to have all that in his office, although he did cry when Hermione grabbed his rug, ripping it a little._

_They decided to implement the Idea the next day. In the meantime, they all fell asleep in Dumbledore's office._

_Hermione drooled all over Dumbledore's Oriental carpet, weakening the overall structure._

_Dumbledore cried in his sleep because of the rug._

_Crabbe and Goyle fell asleep on the stairs outside Dumbledore's office._

_George was lying across three chairs, looking sexy._

_Luna fell asleep on Bob._

_Umbridge fell asleep in the Dementor cage, soulless._

_Ginny fell asleep on her custom-made Harry Potter sheets and pillow._

_Hedwig and Snape stayed up late playing poker._

_Neville fell over in his sleep._

_Dobby talked about socks in his sleep._

_The next day, they ate breakfast and implemented the Idea._

_Hermione put on the Superman cape, and held the Oriental carpet._

_Dumbledore got on the flying carpet and cried because Hermione dropped the Oriental carpet on the bed of spikes that served as his doormat._

_Crabbe put the football helmet on Fang._

_Goyle put the rubber ducks on Fluffy._

_George put on the leather jacket, looking sexy._

_Luna cradled Bob in her arms._

_Umbridge held the pen, soulless._

_Ginny opened Wikipedia on her laptop, and drooled over her Harry Potter background._

_Hedwig and Snape played poker with the lady in a bathrobe._

_Neville fell over while carrying the telephone._

_Dobby wore cool socks and carried the boom box._

_They walked down to the Gryffindor Common Room, and set up._

_Hermione stood off to the side, next to the rolled out Oriental carpet._

_Dumbledore stood behind Hermione and cried because she got mud on the carpet._

_Crabbe put Fang next to the door._

_Goyle put Fluffy next to Fang._

_George entered the Gryffindor Common Room, looking sexy._

_Luna set Bob next to the Oriental carpet._

_Umbridge wrote certain words next to Bob, soulless._

_Ginny looked up Mary-Sue on Wikipedia, and drooled over pictures of Harry from Google._

_Hedwig and Snape were playing poker next to the lady in a bathrobe._

_Neville put down the telephone and fell over._

_Dobby hid out of sight, wearing cool socks and holding the boom box._

_Soon the plan came into action._

_George (looking sexy) came out of the Common Room leading Mary Sue and Gary Stu. They saw Fang in the football helmet and screamed. They turned the other way and saw Fluffy with the three rubber ducks on his heads, screamed and ran onto Dumbledore's Oriental carpet. Hermione jumped out wearing the Superman cape, and Dumbledore came out on the flying carpet._

"_Ah!" they screamed. "It's SuperHermione and the ghost of Dumbledore!"_

_Which is a lie, as Dumbledore dies in the next book._

_They ran next to the carpet, saw Bob, screamed, and stood to the left of Bob._

_The telephone rang. It was the lady in the bathrobe._

"_Read the words that you are standing on!" she said._

"_I am not perfect." they read, and as they were dying in horrible ways, Ginny ran up and shoved the Mary-Sue page on Wikipedia in their faces. They screamed and their eyes burned out of their sockets. They then died in a spectacular way that I don't want to write about._

_Dobby popped out and hit the button on the boom box. _

_Hermione, Dumbledore, Crabbe, Goyle, George, Luna, Umbridge, Ginny, Snape, Hedwig, Neville, and Dobby linked arms and sang along with the music:_

Ding dong, the Sue is dead, the wicked Sue is dead!

_Hermione accidentally dropped the Oriental carpet in the fire of the Gryffindor common room while staring at Ron._

_Dumbledore sobbed at the loss of the Oriental carpet._

_Crabbe and Goyle were confused and ate a cupcake._

_Ginny made a large list as to why Harry Potter would be her future husband._

_George pranked the Slytherins, looking sexy._

_Luna chased the Nargles while riding on Bob the stuffed Crumple-horned Snorkack._

_Umbridge flaunted her soullessness to the Slytherins._

_Hedwig won some more of Snape's money._

_Snape lamented the fact that he can't play poker._

_Neville fell over._

_Dobby bought more cool socks._

_THE END_

Now, after reading this little one-shot, you might be thinking "Hey, I liked that! Why was it posted here?"

Well, it was all wrong.

The names, first off:

Mary Sue and Gary Stu, really? The author needs better names.

Here is the rewritten beginning:

_Marisa Felicia Margaret Angela Farrington and her brother, Zeus Brian Jacob Jacques Anthony Quigley Farrington were transfers to Hogwarts. They had to transfer in their fifth year, because their dad, a famous Quidditch player got transferred to the Tutshill Tornadoes. Everybody loved them, and why wouldn't they?_

If you're gonna write a SS, you're going to need a better plot than Hermione, Ginny, Crabbe, Goyle, Luna, Umbridge, Snape, Hedwig, Neville, Dumbledore, and Dobby fighting off Sues. Also, Sues are naturally perfect and everyone loves them without needing a Sue Spell. Also, just because certain characters are in love with other characters doesn't mean they aren't in love with the Sues and Stus, which eliminates Hermione and Ginny.

Snape and Umbridge, whether you hate them or not, both have a heart and soul, but they are immune to the allure of dating a fifteen year old, but, if not, there is something wrong.

Hedwig, as cool as she is, is an owl. Therefore, she cannot play poker or be immune to the Sues.

Neville may fall over a lot, but that doesn't mean that he isn't immune to the Sues.

While Luna may be odd, that doesn't mean that the Nargles ate her brain or that she cannot fall in love.

Yes, Crabbe and Goyle are stupid, but no, they aren't immune.

While George is sexy, it would probably mean that the Sues would be attracted to him. Also, if George was immune because of his sexiness, Fred would therefore be too, because they're identical twins.

Dumbledore, Dobby, Snape and Umbridge are probably the only choices to defeat the Sues, but most of them would like the Sues, because, well, they're Sues.

Therefore, there are more gaping holes in this than in a Sue's backstory.

Come on, people, make a REALISTIC Sue once in a while!

The revised version of this one-shot will be up eventually.


End file.
